The Holy Spirit will come in and change your heart. Be careful what you pray for because mind renewal is something serious. When we accept Jesus into our hearts then we are being confirmed into the image of Christ. This is not an instantaneous switch, but it is a continuous process. Spiritual Reformation is a process that involves us dying to our own desires & feelings.
During this process I find myself losing affection for things I used to run to for comfort and reprieve. Whenever I was severely stressed or overwhelmed by the happenings of life I would find solace in fan fiction or binge watching one of my favorite anime shows. I realized though after a while that engaging with this content only brought temporary relief. After I looked away from the fan fiction or paused the show the wave of feelings came crashing back. It was like it was just a temporary dose of medicine. Almost like a drug that numbed me for a while. When I couldn’t “feel” enough relief I would just go in harder and look for more mature fanfiction or anime that centered around love and connection. I wanted to take myself out of my current insecure state, a state of uncertainty. There was certainty in those shows and those stories filled with love, lust, and adventure. All the things I desired in my own life, at least that’s what I thought. I later discovered that I had a fear of abandonment and I wanted to feel a sense of connection to another person that would make me feel seen, loved and appreciated. I wanted someone else to come and make me whole. I felt like everyone else in my life had someone. My mom had my father, and my twin sisters had one another. I was always the odd woman out it seemed. In school, I saw other ppl hang out in pairs or groups and I never had that. I wanted to feel wanted by someone. I didn’t recognize at the time that the enemy also recognized this and used it against me for years. It wasn’t until many failed relationships, friend break-ups, and ultimately a severing of ties with many people that led to a season of God calling me only to himself. I had nothing to lose at that point because in my mind I had already lost everything tangible that I had fought so hard to maintain. All those years of fighting to be a great friend, an ideal girlfriend, & a good daughter who toted my bible around and served faithfully every Sunday at church. When inside I was breaking apart, there was so much shattered glass in my heart, and my spirit was so depleted. I often wondered if I even knew who God was for real. I had an idea of who I suspected he was, but if the God that my father served at church was also a reflection of who he served while at home then I wasn’t sure I wanted to know him deeper. I wanted something authentic. When I truly surrendered my life to God in 2022 on my knees in the kitchen of my small townhouse I felt a shift. It wasn’t audible, but It’s almost like I could hear God saying “Good, now we can start.” relinquishing control of our bodies, hearts, and lives over to God is us coming into agreement and communion with him. I remember praying and asking Jesus to remove the veil so I could see him for who he really is, and I believe he heard me. I truly sought the Lord and he heard and he answered. It’s been a whirlwind romance ever since. God calling me to himself. Who knew that all those years the connection I sought was with my creator? It’s through true intimacy in silence with God and in worship at 3 am and 4 am in the quiet hours of the morning that I find true love and connection.
