Dr.Stone & Facing Trials
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Checkpoints
Last summer I had arguably one of the most profound revelations of my life, so far. I believe God has a way of communicating with us in a uniquely individual way. For some context, I am an adult kid. I love cartoons, anime, and video games. I’ve always enjoyed video games since I was a child. My dad invested in my gaming habits at a young age. My first system was the NES, followed by the PlayStation 1. I would love to play Super Mario with Dad for hours and hours.As a kid, I would play a game like Spyro and I would get to a certain level and get stuck. I would obsess over how to beat the obstacle, only to be disappointed if I lost. Soooo. Like any normal person after failing after 50-plus attempts, I would stop playing the game. When I’d return to the game a week or two later I’d load the save file or start over. Somehow, I’d make it back to the same place I got stuck at the last time. Then, like clockwork, I’d just stop trying and switch to another game. I’m sure by now you probably see the direction I’m headed in. Now I wasn’t one of those kids who started and stopped a bunch of hobbies. I was surprisingly disciplined. However, I was a person who wanted to do my absolute best and do it right the first time. I wanted to excel. I wanted to be perfect. If it wasn’t perfect I didn’t want to do it at all. In the words of Jedi Master Yoda, “Do or do not, there is no try.” Fast forward to life now as a 30-year-old adult, God wanted to show me how my bad habit of not completing games has been reflected in my bad habits in life. I had been praying all year and asking God to provide direction for the next steps for me, and for some reason, he had been so quiet. I didn’t understand what I was doing wrong and why he wouldn’t just help me. During the summer a game wave hit me and I decided to play some of my favorite old-school Mario games. I would start and stop once I reached a certain world and switch games. It began to dawn on me that I had a lot of unfinished game files. It bothered me. I felt like for some reason…I needed to go back to the checkpoints and finish the games. I’m not kidding you when I say the Holy Spirit convicted me while I was playing Yoshi’s Story. Please laugh, it’s ok. I’d laugh at myself too. I was about to stop playing and switch games because I was running out of lives, and I was on the last World of the game. I heard the Holy Spirit tell me to “go back where you stopped and finish the level.” I remember sitting at the kitchen island holding my switch and my mouth dropping open. I also remember groaning and wanting to throw a fit because I was tired of repeating the same mundane process and losing lives. My mom was cooking and when she noticed my perplexed expression asked “What’s wrong?” I shook my head and chuckled a little to myself. “Nothing I’m just playing my game and I have to start over.” She laughed and kept cooking. How could I possibly have explained to her the revelation that I had just received at that moment? The Holy Spirit began to show me that I would start, and if I couldn’t be perfect or get it right then I would stop. He showed me that I did that in my own life. If I prayed and asked God for something and he didn’t respond immediately I would stop praying, and thanking God. I would just move on to the next request, and get frustrated when God didn’t answer me. I had gone through a really bad season of depression and shame. I felt really confused and wanted direction, but I had mentally given up. Even if God had given me instructions I’m not sure I would’ve even followed them. I had hit a really big roadblock and instead of confronting it and addressing it and seeking God concerning it I turned from God and ran away. I just wanted to switch games. But life doesn’t work like that. “Go back where you stopped and finish the level.”I had to return to the checkpoint. And it took nearly 7 years for me to realize this. And there in my mom’s kitchen playing Mario Games God revealed to me the reason I was stuck. I had to go back re-play the level and switch my strategy. I had to change my approach to the level and make the necessary adjustments, and most importantly I had to learn not to be afraid of failing. I had to learn to forgive myself and to trust God despite the circumstances and the inconveniences of life. I couldn’t just walk away from God when it got really hard and I couldn’t sense his presence. I had to hold on to his word and be obedient to suffering. So I went back to the last set of instructions God had given me and started there. Somehow I ended up with a blog a year later.
Lifestyle
Spiritual Formation Thoughts Pt.1
The Holy Spirit will come in and change your heart. Be careful what you pray for because mind renewal is something serious. When we accept Jesus into our hearts then we are being confirmed into the image of Christ. This is not an instantaneous switch, but it is a continuous process. Spiritual Reformation is a process that involves us dying to our own desires & feelings. During this process I find myself losing affection for things I used to run to for comfort and reprieve. Whenever I was severely stressed or overwhelmed by the happenings of life I would find solace in fan fiction or binge watching one of my favorite anime shows. I realized though after a while that engaging with this content only brought temporary relief. After I looked away from the fan fiction or paused the show the wave of feelings came crashing back. It was like it was just a temporary dose of medicine. Almost like a drug that numbed me for a while. When I couldn’t “feel” enough relief I would just go in harder and look for more mature fanfiction or anime that centered around love and connection. I wanted to take myself out of my current insecure state, a state of uncertainty. There was certainty in those shows and those stories filled with love, lust, and adventure. All the things I desired in my own life, at least that’s what I thought. I later discovered that I had a fear of abandonment and I wanted to feel a sense of connection to another person that would make me feel seen, loved and appreciated. I wanted someone else to come and make me whole. I felt like everyone else in my life had someone. My mom had my father, and my twin sisters had one another. I was always the odd woman out it seemed. In school, I saw other ppl hang out in pairs or groups and I never had that. I wanted to feel wanted by someone. I didn’t recognize at the time that the enemy also recognized this and used it against me for years. It wasn’t until many failed relationships, friend break-ups, and ultimately a severing of ties with many people that led to a season of God calling me only to himself. I had nothing to lose at that point because in my mind I had already lost everything tangible that I had fought so hard to maintain. All those years of fighting to be a great friend, an ideal girlfriend, & a good daughter who toted my bible around and served faithfully every Sunday at church. When inside I was breaking apart, there was so much shattered glass in my heart, and my spirit was so depleted. I often wondered if I even knew who God was for real. I had an idea of who I suspected he was, but if the God that my father served at church was also a reflection of who he served while at home then I wasn’t sure I wanted to know him deeper. I wanted something authentic. When I truly surrendered my life to God in 2022 on my knees in the kitchen of my small townhouse I felt a shift. It wasn’t audible, but It’s almost like I could hear God saying “Good, now we can start.” relinquishing control of our bodies, hearts, and lives over to God is us coming into agreement and communion with him. I remember praying and asking Jesus to remove the veil so I could see him for who he really is, and I believe he heard me. I truly sought the Lord and he heard and he answered. It’s been a whirlwind romance ever since. God calling me to himself. Who knew that all those years the connection I sought was with my creator? It’s through true intimacy in silence with God and in worship at 3 am and 4 am in the quiet hours of the morning that I find true love and connection.